If your beard is no affectation; if you derive great meaning from your ability to grow a grove upon your fertile face, then it is only rational that you take great care to maintain your magnificent mug. The Human Conditioner will aid you in your efforts to free your face from the confines of convention, while ensuring your mastery over your mighty monument to masculinity. The Human Conditioner is made from all-naturally-derived ingredients, like your beard, and is not tested on animals, bearded or otherwise.